If I may be candid....

I haven't written here in ages. A bit over three years, precisely. Perhaps it's just because I haven't had the energy, or perhaps it's because Frank Wren has dialed in the Braves' roster to a point where there's absolutely no guess work required in what he's able to do at the trading deadlines and during the winters. Regardless, I have some thoughts I'd like to share...and if I may, I'd like to be candid for a minute. 

The Atlanta Braves are in the midst of a 7-game winning streak, but it does not mean I think things are all hunkydory. In fact, that's why I'm writing. The Atlanta Braves bench--the quintet of Ryan Doumit, Jordan Schafer, Ramiro Pena, Dan Uggla and Gerald Laird--I have a generous compliment for you guys: All y'all suck ass. Really. I'm being nice as I possibly can. 


I don't even know where to start, so I guess I'll just start with the one who I'm not actually disappointed in--Gerald Laird. Mr. Laird, after play completed on July 2nd, you are hitting a brutal .222/.307/.289. I'm pretty sure I posted a better line in my first taste of competition versus college-level pitching during my summer ball excursions in American Legion. Why is that relevant? Well, you see, I never made it to college-level baseball. I wasn't big, fast or strong enough...and well, if I can post a better line against college pitching when I wasn't "good enough" to play in college, Mr. Laird, that doesn't bode well for you, my friend. Alas...I can't be all that upset with you, because you still are a quality defensive catcher, and I have to assume that a little of your expertise behind the dish has rubbed off on Evan Gattis. So, Gerald, for the time being you get a pass, but don't get me wrong...I would gladly replace you at a moment's notice if provided the opportunity to upgrade. 

Moving on, we have Ramiro Pena. I'm not entirely sure what I expected of you, to be honest. Sure...you had a pretty decent 107 plate-appearance season in 2013 before hurting yourself. You weren't great, but you made your offense neutral so that your real skill--defense--could be appreciated. Now? You're hovering not to far away of Laird territory, bro, with your God awful .194/.257/.323 line. Pitiful. You're not even playing good defense when you're in there. You're just bleh, and it's starting to piss me off as I'm having trouble thinking of a worse alternative. I'm sorry to say that I may be starting to actually prefer to have Tyler Pastornicky over you...and I hate that guy a lot, so you're not in good company. You don't get a pass. I feel the Braves should replace you ASAP. 

Speaking of worse options than 'bleh', I give you Jordan Schafer. You play solid defense and you're a quality weapon as a pinch-runner, but God damn it, Jordan, you really frickin' suck at the dish. I know I tease my friend, Thomas Poe, for his fantasy baseball team name 'MenWithoutBats' and how he suffers the occasional lack of offense due to sending his guys to the plate without lumber, but Jordan....I am quite certain that sending you to the dish without a bat would be a marked improvement. I know you, like everyone else on this list, don't get many AB's to get things going...but you're hitting .185/.243/.246. That's worse than the previous two schmucks on this list. It's like you're not even trying anymore, bro. In any case, if Fredi stops sending you to the plate to pinch-hit, things will be fine. Stick to running the bases and playing some defense and you'll be fine....but please, not in Atlanta. If Pena needs to be replaced ASAP, you need to be replaced like yesterday, Mr. Schafer. 

Then there's Ryan Doumit. I understand that pinch-hitting is a tough role. Very few can do it well, even with regular playing time to keep them in a groove. Mr. Doumit, you're not good even when you get to string a few days worth of AB's together. Your .218/.250/.345 line is just sad for a guy who used to be a useful offensive player...and while Sean Gilmartin wasn't much of a price to pay to acquire you, it looks like we still got ripped off. The Braves won't look into replacing you, but you definitely should not have any job security. I'd much rather the Braves release you and go with The Big Terd--who, by the way, is still not hitting very well in Gwinnett. 

And finally, there's Dan Uggla. I tried to have faith and I tried to be a supporter, but Mr. Uggla, you're just done. You see, when people hit rock bottom, you usually have two outcomes. Either you persevere and come back from the depths with at least admirable results, or you quit. You did neither. You hit rock bottom in 2013, then this year you managed to obtain a jackhammer and you dug even deeper. I spoke of Schafer as a guy that needed to be released like yesterday. Well, Dan-o, I don't even know why you've been on the roster for the last month and a half. Since May 24th, you've managed to be called upon for 18 at-bats (with two starts thrown in there) and you have managed 1 hit. A single. There is just absolutely no excuse for your still being on the roster other than Frank Wren being an idiot about this and believing he has no better options. No, I'm not letting people vouch for you saying that Wren's hands are tied by ownership. That's a lie. No, I'm not letting others convince me that Fredi's the reason you're still around, because if it were, Fredi would use you regularly. No, Dan. You're just a waste of space and you'd be in the minor leagues for some other club posting your sub-.200 line if it were not for Wren's stroke-out of a decision not to give you your walking papers. 

The Atlanta Braves bench, I am truly disgusted by your production and I can't remember a more pitiful group of bench players...and I recall the traveshamockery of a year where the Braves employed both Chris Woodward and Craig Wilson. If I'm being honest, I would trade for upgrades and replace every single one of you. Alas...I know this isn't a video game world and at-best I can only expect two of you gone by August 1st. I look forward to a day where I don't shake my head when a pitcher is pinch-hit for or a regular needs a day off.